👎👎👎Bad day.....

I will apologise straight away for this blog, today is not a good day, today is one of those days that my brain is saying all those things that bring you down.  I'm useless.. I won't let myself lose weight, I've screwed up our finances so much that we have more going out than we have coming in, I'm frightened I've let my kids down over the years and worst of all ( at the moment) the devil in my head is screaming at me to purge every time I eat, what I feel, is something wrong.  I am sat here with tears streaming down my face and can hardly see the keys to type! Perhaps this is not the best time to write, but then again, maybe it is.

The past couple of weeks, I have had to face the reality of our financial situation, one I have got us into and now we are struggling to find a way out.  We have had some marvellous advice from Step Change a debt charity here in the UK but I am still feeling very stressed over it all.  When I first sat down and went through to the Step Change site I did have my first decent nights sleep in months, but then all the  niggling worries came back.  I feel so guilty, my husband works so hard and all I do is get us further and further into debt, so much so we are faced with the prospect of bankruptcy.  What makes this worse is that I've done this to us before, and we sorted it but here we are again.  This time I am making sure that I do not let my depression get in the way, I will keep up with the treatment.  It seemed to creep up on me, the extent of the debt. I was doing ok, paying all the bills, then a sudden change in circumstances in the house dropped our income by just under £1,000 a month and you can imagine the consequences of that! It came with no warning too, otherwise I could have tried to plan for it.  I got myself in a panic yesterday as I was asked when I would be going back to work and I felt sick! All those doubts spring into my head, what if I'm not good enough, what if I get it wrong, what if I can remember things( a big problem at the moment), no one will want me anyway.. I don't want me at the moment! I struggle with day to day life at the moment, sometimes it takes all me energy just to get out of bed, sometimes all I want to do is hide from the world.  There are days when I feel I can do anything but these are usually followed by days when I feel I'm useless and worthless! If I could time a job for the good days, all would be great!  I am trying to start a little business from home as mentioned in a previous post but, as yet, only one sale from that.  So that started me worrying that that wasn't going to work out, you see how this goes?  

I sometimes wish I didn't suffer from an invisible illness, if you have a broken leg or arm people can see it and they don't doubt your injury, but tell someone you suffer from depression and, quite often, they assume your just a little sad or blue! It doesn't help that I suffer from chronic back pain too and have high blood pressure, oh and I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time!  Would you employ me? I wouldn't! 

I'm glad that's out of my head for the moment... I do feel that there is a way out of some of this mess with the help of Step Change I now believe we can sort something out, but it's going to be hard work! 

When I was 18 I didn't think I'd be sat here at 50, in a rented house with mega debts and a mental illness, but I also didn't know I would have a wonderful husband, who has stuck by me through everything, 6 wonderful boys, 5 of whom are out in the world working hard and making me proud and one still at school, who I know will achieve just as much as his older brothers. 

Sorry for the ramble. 

Julie X