Hello from the Dark Place....

I haven't been in a good place for quite some time, what with mental health issues, weight issues and serious financial issues, it's not been a great few months.  Don't get me wrong it's not been all doom and gloom there have been good days and I am lucky to have a roof over my head and a loving and caring family.  I know there are people a lot worse off than I am but in a mist of depression and pain that doesn't really help.

My problem is that I think all of my problems are related.. I'm depressed so I eat, i can't ( or some may say I won't ) control my eating so I gain weight, I am overweight so my joints are continuously hurting even with strong medication, then with all that going on, when I try to sleep my brain won't shut down and I go on the Internet and spend money we don't have... Then I feel more depressed as I feel like a complete failure.  This all comes across as a very "poor me story" but it isn't I know that most of my problems are my own fault, depression isn't but I must take responsibility to control it.

I know I need to sort my life out, but I'm not sure where to start and this is usually what's going through my head when I try and sleep.

To help with financial problems I have started my own business, making hand painted plaques and gifts.  I'm hoping that this will take off and I have sold a few already, I just need to stop buying stock to make them and actually make them :) 

I have rejoined Slimming World to help with the weight issue and hopefully this time I will succeed as I need to sort out this pain, I don't want to be on pain killers all the time. I've started taking my blood pressure medication again as I'd stopped and recently started getting bad water retention in my feet and hands and apparently High blood pressure can be a cause of that, so best I take my medication ..it seems to have helped a bit.

I am trying to make myself go out and do stuff even though a lot of the time I want to curl up under the duvet and hide, just little things like going over to mums or into town, but I make myself do them as it does make me feel better afterwards.  Sometimes I cut myself off from others as I don't want my dark mood to affect them, does that sound daft? Some people aren't bothered by other people's moods but it can affect some people quite dramatically and I don't want my dark place to spread. 

I can't believe I've got to this point in my life and I'm not all sorted and settled, I really thought I would be by now, instead I feel in the worst place I've been for a while. 

Things have got to improve haven't they???

👎👎👎Bad day.....

I will apologise straight away for this blog, today is not a good day, today is one of those days that my brain is saying all those things that bring you down.  I'm useless.. I won't let myself lose weight, I've screwed up our finances so much that we have more going out than we have coming in, I'm frightened I've let my kids down over the years and worst of all ( at the moment) the devil in my head is screaming at me to purge every time I eat, what I feel, is something wrong.  I am sat here with tears streaming down my face and can hardly see the keys to type! Perhaps this is not the best time to write, but then again, maybe it is.

The past couple of weeks, I have had to face the reality of our financial situation, one I have got us into and now we are struggling to find a way out.  We have had some marvellous advice from Step Change a debt charity here in the UK but I am still feeling very stressed over it all.  When I first sat down and went through to the Step Change site I did have my first decent nights sleep in months, but then all the  niggling worries came back.  I feel so guilty, my husband works so hard and all I do is get us further and further into debt, so much so we are faced with the prospect of bankruptcy.  What makes this worse is that I've done this to us before, and we sorted it but here we are again.  This time I am making sure that I do not let my depression get in the way, I will keep up with the treatment.  It seemed to creep up on me, the extent of the debt. I was doing ok, paying all the bills, then a sudden change in circumstances in the house dropped our income by just under £1,000 a month and you can imagine the consequences of that! It came with no warning too, otherwise I could have tried to plan for it.  I got myself in a panic yesterday as I was asked when I would be going back to work and I felt sick! All those doubts spring into my head, what if I'm not good enough, what if I get it wrong, what if I can remember things( a big problem at the moment), no one will want me anyway.. I don't want me at the moment! I struggle with day to day life at the moment, sometimes it takes all me energy just to get out of bed, sometimes all I want to do is hide from the world.  There are days when I feel I can do anything but these are usually followed by days when I feel I'm useless and worthless! If I could time a job for the good days, all would be great!  I am trying to start a little business from home as mentioned in a previous post but, as yet, only one sale from that.  So that started me worrying that that wasn't going to work out, you see how this goes?  

I sometimes wish I didn't suffer from an invisible illness, if you have a broken leg or arm people can see it and they don't doubt your injury, but tell someone you suffer from depression and, quite often, they assume your just a little sad or blue! It doesn't help that I suffer from chronic back pain too and have high blood pressure, oh and I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time!  Would you employ me? I wouldn't! 

I'm glad that's out of my head for the moment... I do feel that there is a way out of some of this mess with the help of Step Change I now believe we can sort something out, but it's going to be hard work! 

When I was 18 I didn't think I'd be sat here at 50, in a rented house with mega debts and a mental illness, but I also didn't know I would have a wonderful husband, who has stuck by me through everything, 6 wonderful boys, 5 of whom are out in the world working hard and making me proud and one still at school, who I know will achieve just as much as his older brothers. 

Sorry for the ramble. 

Julie X 

A New Venture

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/141904606902?ul_noapp=true

It's been quite a busy few days here as I've decided to start selling the Weight loss plaques I make on EBay. So I have been very industrious, cutting , sanding, painting and gluing. I'm not sure if I got more glue and paint on myself or the plaques but I now have a little stock of them ready to sell.  I did sell the plaques a couple of years back and they sold very well, however I have noticed that a few people have used our design in the past couple of years so we have a bit more competition now.  I am hoping that it takes off as I really do find the whole process of making the plaques quite therapeutic.  

The whole process of setting up a little business is quite daunting, you are faced with lots of challenges, especially selling on #Ebay.  You have to sell the plaques at a price that makes you a bit of a profit but at the same time you've got to price it right or you won't sell anything.  I debated on whether to charge for postage as we did before and people didn't seem to mind paying for it, but there are a lot who offer free postage and I know I often put that as one of the search criteria when I'm looking to buy on EBay.  In the end I decided to go for the free postage option and see how that plays out. I may put another listing up with the product cheaper but with the buyer paying postage and see if there's a difference in sales.

Anyway wish me luck in my new venture and I'll keep you posted on how it goes X 

"I don't believe in depression!! It's all in your mind!" WELL DUH!!!!

I prepared this blog a while ago but have been deciding whether to post it, but have decided to go ahead as today is one of the down days and maybe it will help??... so here it is..........

"I don't believe in depression, it's all in your mind!!"

Even in the bad place that I was when I was told this, it did make me smile, then it made me angry and then because I was angry I cried! All in the space of a couple of minutes, and that is the roller coaster ride of depression!!

My first bout of depression started after the birth of my first child in Nov 1991, but was not spotted until I was 5 months pregnant with my second child, middle of 1993.  I had a new health visitor, Jan, and she was worried about me, but it was decided to wait 'til after my son was born to do anything.  Sadly, I was still too scared to ask for help then, because I thought they would take my children away from me and think I was a bad mum, because that's what I thought.  

I'm not sure how I got through that time really, but I did, just about.  I was lucky, I had good family support and a brilliant husband who, although he didn't understand, was very supportive.  I did eventually go to the doctors and was put on Fluxoteine, which did help a bit.  Unfortunately 1995 was not a great year, in the space of a month my parents split, rather acrimoniously, and then my Nana and Grandad Bert died within 2 days of each other.  This was closely followed by me asking my husband to leave our home because, irrationally, I blamed him for all our problems!!  These were dark days for me,  I had no support, as those I had depended on had either gone or had their own problems to deal with.  I felt so lonely and lost, and 1 night found myself, after a bad argument with my mum, contemplating ending it all.  I had 2 beautiful little boys upstairs in bed, but all i could think was that i was an awful mum and that they would be better of without me.  I couldn't talk to my mum,my Nana was gone and I sat there in the dark with alcohol and pills...that night a stranger saved my life... a man I have never met, he was the one who answered the call I made to the Samaritans.  I can't remember why I decided to call them, but I'm glad I did.  He let me talk, without judgement, for 11/2 hours.  He never interrupted me, never judged, just listened and at the end of the call had me promising to go see my doctor and ask for more help - which I did the next morning and my doctor adjusted my medication and my health visitor called once a week to check on me as well.  I really believe just talking helped in that instance as it was me that talked myself out of doing what I had planned.

Things improved from then on, in the sense that I started to recognise the signs and symptoms of depression and learnt to ask for help before things got too bad.

My latest bout of depression has been going on a while and I have recently had my medication upped as I didn't seem to be getting any better.  I believe I am on the up at the moment but, here's the thing, even on the good days I am frightened, frightened that I will wake up the next morning and it will be a bad day, because they do still happen.  Days when all I feel I want to do is hide under the duvet away from everything and everyone, when I've had a lousy nights sleep because my brain won't stop churning over everything in my head or I have horrible dreams that has or will happen to someone I love.  I wake up with this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of dread and it makes me feel sick!  Those days still happen( today is one), more often than I would like, and they come without warning, but they are not everyday at the moment, and that, to me, is a positive as they used to be.

I don't think I will ever be rid of this beast of depression, it's always lurking, but the trick is to enjoy the good days.  I'm trying not to think of the bad days, they do happen, but there are more happy days and for the moment that will do....

Now I'm off for a brisk walk to clear my head of all my problems!! JUST KIDDING!!

Julie

JD seasonings !

My new order has just arrived from http://www.jdseasonings.co.uk/index.html and I can't wait to try the new ones out! Have had some of these before and they were lovely. Ideal for Slimming World and any other weight loss plan or just to spice up a boring meal. I had the Piri Piri Chicken last night and it was so nice I was sad when I finished my meal. All the pots tell you exactly what's in them and even include a recipe from JD on the pack. They come in a handy resealable plastic pot, which is good as I've been known to use different mixes to add a bit of zing to my Slimming World Chips!

All this and lose weight? Yes you can 😃

One week down and I have lost 7lb and feel really proud of myself. Despite some emotional setbacks this week I did not resort to emotional eating and was rewarded on the scales. I even had a lovely meal out with the family. This is why I love #SlimmingWorld

Best laid plans!

So after sorting out a menu plan I am faced with a dilemma, not a huge one in comparison with a lot of what's going on in the world and the U.K itself, but one I need to ponder. It's a battle between my waste not self and my dieting self. Last night we found vouchers that I had swapped my #tescoclubcard vouchers for and they're for The Hungry Horse!! Expiring today! Now do I go and enjoy the meal with my family (it's £40 worth after all) or do I get hubbie to go with them and stay at home and maybe not use the total value? I know there is not much on the menu that is #Slimmingworld friendly and I also know myself, that I'm not good at flexi synning and getting back in plan. Hmmm! Let's see how this plays out... I'll keep you posted!

Planning is the way to success!

I believe that one should always have a plan, we may not stick to it but it's a place to start! So this week I will be planning my main meals so it's should be easier to stick to the # Slimming World food plan. Also if I put the menu up the boys can make their excuses to be out on days they don't like the meal!

Monday

Lamb Vindaloo with a milder version for some

Tuesday

Spaghetti Bolognaise

An old favourite but tasty and filling

Wednesday

Singapore Noodles with chicken and prawns. 

Thursday

Syn free Burgers with syn free chips and mushrooms.

Friday

Chilli and Rice

Saturday

Sausages, Mash and Cabbage

Sunday

Diet Coke Chicken with peppers and rice

So that's the plan, we will have these meals this week but not necessarily in that order 😃

So I'm off to check the freezer and cupboard to see what we have as I wouldn't want to end up with 20 tins of kidney beans like I have before 😜

Meatballs and pasta with a spicy tomato sauce .. Serves 4

Great for Slimming World or anyone wanting a healthy meal.

Ingredients

400g dried penne pasta or spaghetti or any other dried pasta shapes.

Meatballs

250g lean beef mince ( 5% fat or less)

250g lean pork mince ( 5% fat or less)

1/2 onion, finely chopped

1 small garlic clove, grated or crushed

1/2 tsp dried sage

1/2 tsp smoked paprika

salt and freshly ground black pepper

low calorie cooking spray ( I used Frylight)

For the sauce

1 large onion, finely chopped

2 garlic cloves, crushed

400g chopped tomatoes

2 tbsp tomato puree

1 tsp white wine vinegar

1 heaped tsp dried oregano

1 vegetable stock cube ( I used Knorr stock pot)

1 tsp dried parsley

2 tbsp finely chopped fresh basil

1/2 red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped. (leave out if you prefer less heat)

120g halved baby plum tomatoes

100g baby leaf spinach ( I cheated and used frozen)

First make the meatball. Mix together the mince, onion, garlic, sage,paprika, and seasoning with your hands( a bit yucky, but the best way). Form the mixture into  equal sized meatballs approx 24 depending on size. I used this and it made the job easier

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Italian-Collection-ICMEATBALL-Meat-Baller/dp/B004PYV7YU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451864650&sr=8-1&keywords=Meat+baller

Spray a large non-stick frying pan with low calorie cooking spray and place over a high heat. Working in batches, fry the meatballs until browned and set aside. (Don't worry if they aren't cooked through at this stage)

To make the sauce, spray the frying pan with a little more low calorie cooking spray, turn the heat to medium and fry the onion for 10 minutes, adding a little water if it starts to stick. Stir in the remaining sauce ingredients (except the plum tomatoes and spinach), add 350ml of boiling water and bring to a simmer.

Meanwhile cook the pasta as per pack instructions.

Add the meatballs to the sauce and cook for 5 minutes, then add the plum tomatoes and cooked for a further 5 minutes or until the meatball are cooked through and piping hot. Add the spinach( i defrosted the frozen spinach in the microwave first) and cook for 2 minutes.

Drain the pasta and mix through the meatballs and sauce, checking the seasoning before serving. Enjoy!

A note.. I have fussy eaters in the house so I blended the sauce ingredients all together prior to cooking to disguise them.

Slimming World, Life and Me...

So it begins!

This is my first attempt at a blog, so I may make a few mistakes, but I was always told that's how we learn.

I'm a 50 year old mum of 6 boys aged 24 to 13 with a set of twins in the middle. I have been married for 25 years as of 23rd February 2016 and I do think that my husband deserves some kind of medal to have put up with me and my various health issues both physical and mental. Another post for another day.

I rejoined Slimming World on 31/12/2015, to be honest this is an annual event for me.. I join, lose some weight and then for some reason or another I give up on myself and I say that because I have come to believe that I'm almost scared to succeed.  I suppose anyone trying to lose weight knows that feeling that everything will be better if we lose weight! I guess I sabotage myself as I'm scared it won't be.  I'm not at all sure that will make as much sense in anyone else's head as I believe it does in  mine.

I was never overweight as a child or even in my early teens to be honest, but a stray comment by someone close to me convinced me that I was fat at 17 , 5ft 6'' weighing 9st 7lb with a 28'' waist!! and I started my first diet, I say diet I just decided to starve myself! This worked in the short term, but obviously as soon as I started eating the weight went back on with a little bit extra, and so started my affair with Yo Yo dieting which has lasted for the last 33 years! I have also cheated on the Yo Yo with Bulimia but that's a post for another day.. it takes a lot to even admit I have that problem, and I say have because I don't think it ever completely goes away.

Anyway, the end of 2015 saw me weighing in at 21st 6.5lbs and feeling horrible. I would normally leave it the New Year to start afresh but decided I should end it on a good note this year.  Walking back into group there's always a sense of embarrassment that I am back there with a weight gain, but as soon as I'm through the door I feel at home and Liz my group leader makes me feel welcome and doesn't make me feel at all stupid or that I've failed in anyway and the other members have, mostly, been in my shoes so they are not judgemental ,just supportive. I even set myself an interim target this time, 3 stone to start with, but I will take it in small steps, so here's to the first award and 1/2 stone shiny sticker for my book.

I have decided to experiment with different recipes this time to make mealtimes a bit more exciting, so last night I made meatballs (I will post the recipe later) and although it was quite time consuming it was worth it as everyone in the house enjoyed them, which, if you knew my boys, is quite an achievement.

So, here I am, looking forward to the future in a positive frame of mind! Wish me luck! or rather wish that I continue to believe in myself and that I can do this!

Julie